Tracy Press

Town Crier Dave Hardesty passes on the wisdom gained from his own parental mistakes.

As a young father, I loved my children and struggled to give them what I thought they needed, often neglecting the thing they really needed, which was me.

I wasn’t a bad or abusive father, but I now recognize I should have concentrated less on physical "things" and more on their nonphysical needs, like nurturing, love, compassion, respect and, yes, discipline.

Like many, I thought that working hard for a living and providing "things" was what made a good parent.

Not only was I wrong, but my actions actually caused my children more problems in their later lives. Fortunately, I didn’t cause too much damage, as, for the most part, they are good parents. But I do see many of my bad traits in them as they deal with my grandchildren. I taught them that, and it shames me.

Not long ago, I was in the Save Mart off 11th Street to pick up some cranberry juice.

As I rounded the corner, I encountered the tail end of a screaming session from a well-coiffed mother directed toward her 9-year-old, well-groomed, red-headed son. She screamed, "If you don’t stop right now, I am going to drop you at your father’s house, and he can deal with you."

In a millisecond, I watched the happy face of this boyish imp morph into the grotesque face of hopeless despair while her thoughtless words seriously wounded his young heart and he felt the full force of her total rejection of him.

The incident brought me to tears, and I could say nothing as rage filled my heart.

Surely this mother was having a rough day, and her son’s playful antics were getting on her nerves. As a young father, I, too, had frequently been at that point.

But if she could have seen the complete hopeless despair and hurt on her young son’s face as he walked away from her toward me, she might have dropped everything she was doing, embraced him with loving arms and reconciled her love toward her son, her baby.

That didn’t happen.

Parents, please realize your children are not adults and don’t think like adults. They are in their learning stages, and most of the way they deal with others and their own children in the future is gleaned from their experiences learned from you.

Most people probably don’t remember a Kodak commercial from 1960. Being strongly moved by music, I remember it, and I would like to share something that commercial taught me over the years.

Granted, it was selling film and camera equipment, but the commercial actually sold me something that changed my grandchildren’s lives.

The commercial consisted of a collage of photographs of a young woman, all the way back to her toddler years, as she stood naked and attempted to walk out the door.

Here are the song lyrics, sang by Harry Bellefonte:

We can break the chains of abusive behavior directed at children. After they’re, gone it’s too late to change them.

• Dave Hardesty, a satellite communications engineer, is among a select group of local residents with Town Crier columns in the Tracy Press.

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written by UCoty , August 16, 2008

Thank you Dave. Words of wisdom gained from experience, I'll remember this. Thanks again.
Ubbo

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written by MarkDavis , August 16, 2008

A plea to parents is certainly well motivated, but the most impressive effort I have seen is in the character education programs in the California schools. While their long-term effects will only become apparent in the long term, of course, the underlying driver of fixing the failures of parents is laudable.

The core takeaways involve honesty, earnestness, a careful understanding of empathy, and a rejection of the problems of bigotry that arise from race, religion and ethnic identity. Over time we should begin to see a reduction in the coarsening of society that leads sound adults to treat others (and children) so badly.

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written by maybenotdumBcommenT , August 16, 2008

I know first hand parents should change their ways in how they pay attention to their children, but are you sure of what was happening before you rounded the corner. The mother should not have threatened her son in that manner but you make it sound like she was no better then the father. Did you actually see the whole thing? Was it really playful antics?

And another thing Dave, don't be to hard on yourself any more. All our fathers were out working hard making a living, away from the home, back in the days.

I broke the chain for my family and that is very good advice you gave. I think that if your child is misbehaving in the store, drop everything and take them home. They are looking for attention. Get control back of yourself and the situation because even if in wasn't all innocent , you should never embarrass your child(ren) in public by yelling and screaming and even spanking them in public.

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written by amy , August 16, 2008

Well, said Dave Hardesty, and commentors.

Just keep this in mind for everyone you love in your life, you hold their heart in your hands, harsh word, sqeezes it, tender words nourishes it.

Will remember those good advices, too.

Thanks for the parental wisdom from others outside of my family!

-amy

Elderly patients liked to say, "too soon old, too late smart"... but the crowning wisdom of past lessons learned could be applied to helping your adult children in guiding them in the rearing of their young?

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written by Steve Reshakis , August 16, 2008

leave it to mark Davis to find a leftist comment on this.

The Govt.Nannystate is a total failure.

Even a Bad Parent is better than the leftist solution.

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written by Justin281gt , August 16, 2008

Dave,

I really enjoyed reading this! As a young father myself I too find myself in those nailbiting situations. When in doubt I always try to take a knee and give my little ones a hug, nothing in the world feels better than that!

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written by MarkDavis , August 16, 2008

So Dave Kerst/Steve Reshikas thinks the public schools should not require kids to behave at school? It sounds like mindless anarchy to me.

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written by Steve Reshakis , August 18, 2008

Mark Davis
The Overwhelming evidence is that Dicipline has broken down in Public Schools
What is true is that YOU defend the Leftist approach of the Public School System and the Facist Teachers Unions.
You and your friends are to blame for the failed Public school system.

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written by maybenotdumBcommenT , August 18, 2008

The teachers are responsible for part of their upbring when they have them for half their day.

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written by MarkDavis , August 18, 2008

Touche, mbntbct: nannies they, in fact, are...

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written by maybenotdumBcommenT , August 18, 2008

I did not say they are nannies Mark. They are Teachers. They teach them the 3 rrr's. Kids naturally will push once in a while but kids now a days something is happening to them. The teachers simply can't get them under control. The kids got way to much control because of new bills such as no spanking, etc. Both parents work all day. Now we have kids left to their own devices.

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written by amy , August 18, 2008

Kids needs to learn to respect "authority" in the home first, then the regulatory signs, such as "don't walk", respect the law of the city and the land. It is not too early to teach them as soon as they learn "manners" and respect.

Too many kids are left on their own, not understanding the laws from lack of being taught by their own parents?

Heck send them all to military schools if parents don't want to teach them right from wrong? Need to protect our society as well as theirs in the future? Teachers are also authoritian in the classrooms, they have to "police" their behaviors in the class rooms, playground,hallways, school grounds.

As I see it, courtesty and respect for manners went out the window in many homes lately?

Teachers have sent notes home to their parents bringing the attention of their child's erring ways, and most parents just refuse to hear of it and lay the blame on the teachers.... what happened to our system?

-amy

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written by amy , August 18, 2008

With this economy, and lowered wages, lost benefits, it is no wonder both parents have to work? They would be fortunate if they have retired grandparents to help out with sense of direction in how one conducts oneself? But being nuclear family, families are spread out, like mine, and it IS harder for my brother and his wife to work longer hours these days and like maybenotadumbcomment said, many are left to fend for themselves... now what could be done in cases like these?

Dave Hardesty gave good insight, hopefully many young parents who have read this will be better prepared in the rearing of their young with educational materials and those who spoke from life experience.

Tough times for everyone, that includes the children, too, unfortunately? Everyone is hurting, something has to give.

Another thing, look at the televisions shows the children are watching, where are the good shows I loved as a kid, Little House on the Priarie, Love Boat, Fantasy Island, Walton Family.. and so on... now it is the gloryfying of "anarchy"?

There are also medical conditions that causes ADD among students causing learning to be difficult for them, too. Teachers have so much on their plate!

Behaviorial problems,
Medical conditions,
Learning disabilities
and the teaching staff kept getting smaller and smaller? Again, economy? Does it determine family structure... one's thinking and behavior?

-amy

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written by maybenotdumBcommenT , August 18, 2008

I was going to say a similar thing only class sizes getting bigger. JK I wouldn't steal your ideas!

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written by Thinker , August 19, 2008

Dave,

Nice article-- and to the point of this "debate" here in the forum. What works better: Positive Discipline or Negative? Sometimes-- we need a bit of both. But MOST want WAR with the offender-- (sounds like our entire human-political situation). AS one who has studied this issue in depth, I ask: would you rather the cop give you a warning or the ticket? Do you want to be treated with respect, or ridiculed?

That kid is not only being taught anger, but also that his dad is bad. His dad will be more mean then mom...and that is another issue. Teachers need to place smiles on children's faces, teach them how their environment is what produced them--and give them the resiliency to seek the best life they can. This will be mutual respect---and not war. Too many hard-faced disciplinarians will simply look at a child and react with the "I don't care about you" attitude the child picks up right away. Love our children, give them home and direction.....and before you know it....your opportunity will be lost. We ALL make a difference every day!

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written by Dave Hardesty , August 20, 2008

maybenotdumBcommenT

I wonder why you bother to ask the questions when you answer them yourself, which by the way I agree with.

"The mother should not have threatened her son in that manner but you make it sound like she was no better then the father. Did you actually see the whole thing? Was it really playful antics?"

Does the answer to those questions really make any difference when you state, "I think that if your child is misbehaving in the store, drop everything and take them home," and, "Get control back of yourself and the situation because even if in wasn't all innocent, you should never embarrass your childin public by yelling and screaming and even spanking them in public?"

I think you answered yourself very adequately. After all, it's not how we respond but how we should be responding to our children in situations like this.

Thinker

"Would you rather the cop give you a warning or the ticket? Do you want to be treated with respect, or ridiculed?" A warning doesn't have to be delivered without respect or with ridicule. In the case of a cop, your response to his or her warning very well could determine if you get a ticket or not as well. But yes, we should always be talking with each other, and that also includes our children, from a position of respect.

I often hear, kids have no respect for their elders. But am often amused to learn that their elders often have no respect for their kids either. To get respect you have to give it as well.

All to often people seem to confuse respect with authority.

Dave Hardesty

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written by maybenotdumBcommenT , August 21, 2008

Dave, I bother to ask so other people learn from my experience. It is my experience, most likely the child was on the mother from the beginning and the other way around. We all make mistakes from time to time and this may have been hers. I would give her some slack. She may have gone home and felt bad and made things right. Dave you are reacting to a segment of an interaction between mother and child, or babysitter and child. Unless we know what is happening in the family there could be outside factors that caused both Mother and child to act inappropriately on this day. Humiliation is not a good form of punishment and not recommended. Neither is spanking or doing something like withholding food. But what do you have left? The Sorry Chair is figured out real fast. Kids adapt quickly.

This is what you do, start recognizing their positive behavior and it is harder then you think. We have all been taught , NO!!!! to fly out our mouth. What about YES!!!!!!

I have seen these kinds of behaviors worsen in the last 10 or 12 years. Bribing a child happened in front of my eyes tonight. I said under my breath, that kid needs a good woopin but I myself never did that. But when my child was born and raised it was not to bad. The kids are just getting more out of control but they can't do that. They don't have the capabilities to do this.

They are learning at a rate so fast they can't
up with us folk.

Mothers are under twice as mnuch stress then our nio

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written by Dave Hardesty , August 21, 2008

maybenotdumBcommenT

"Dave you are reacting to a segment of an interaction between mother and child, or babysitter and child."

You are absolutely correct. The problem is that I witness this type of thing virtually every time I go out shopping these days. And unless you are single or the primary shopper in the family, as I am, it's relatively easy not to see these things on a daily basis as I frequently do.

I wouldn't mention it at all if it was an occasional occurrence. But when it occurs virtually every time I go to a store I begin to wonder.

I too have seen overall behaviors worsen in the last 10 to 12 years and while I understand that raising children is stressful I also am aware, as a former parent, that such incidents are or should be under the control of the parent and hold the parent completely responsible for what is going on.

In as much as I firmly believe it is the parent who sets the standard and the child learns from the parent, if a child is "acting out" the problem is the parent and not the child. The parent is the adult and the leader in the circumstance, not the other way around.

I also see something disturbing, at least to me it is. It seems that parents are more interested in being friends to their children rather than being their parents and having to make the difficult decisions that parents are supposed to make.

Following the thought that children learn social behaviors from their parents I don't see it as a good thing to be a friend and not a parent to the child. Yes, you should be friends to your child and that is a very important relationship to nurture. But you first should be the parent as that is the primary responsibility of being a parent. If you are doing it correctly the friendship will occur naturally.

Of course these are all my beliefs and I am certain that others have different opinions on the subject.

Dave Hardesty


Dave Hardesty

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written by maybenotdumBcommenT , August 21, 2008

I am having problems with my server. Sorry. Whats a nio? LOL!

A child's brain, depending on how old they are do not figure in the factor they are in a public place. It is I I I, me me me. I see it all the time to. I am still shocked by parents behavior. I try to remember that children are allowed to become angry to. We do not want to suppress that, to have it come out in adulthood. Maybe a store is not the right place but they don't understand that or care. They are in the moment. The caretaker just might have been in a bad mood going in to the store giving the child ultimatums, they don't understand that. Their brains are reactive. That is why the parent/caretaker should drop everything and walk out, therefore stopping the negative behavior.

The parent continues the game play by ordering the child to act a certain way, they don't and the game is on; who will win. It is a battle of wills. Getting control. When the child finds out a mother can't read his mind he/she will test all corners to figure out the limits. It is not our business in a store to intervene,(unless physical abuse)on their learning process. So what, it is in the store. Kids are different now. We will all have to live with the change. If you are older then me there was the good old, go pick the switch your going to be spanked with. We have to adapt to this change. We are in a change. Almost all children are out of control because Mom and Dad are both working. That is the way it is.

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written by maybenotdumBcommenT , August 21, 2008

We don't like to see it but it is here and I think it will be the norm. I try to shop while they are in school. I go nuts if I shop right after school lets out. Kids running up and down the hall, mayhem. You know, the look doesn't work anymore and neither do threats. Repetition does. Leave every time. It is time consuming and takes a long time for the parent to do but worth it in the end.

I was at the pool last night, saw these children swimming and assumed they were with this one parent. The father walked in from lifting weights to get his kids, thats when we realized the kids were dropped off by him. Like a 7 and 10 year old. Parents should take parenting classes and I agree, the friend thing is a no no.